My Decision
My mom went to visit a school for the handicapped, in Okazaki. She told me about it, and for some reason, I couldn't stop crying.
My sister is studying very hard, because its exam week. I'm doing nothing. I can't get the school for handicapped children out of my mind.
Honestly, I know that I can't stay at Higashikou for 3 years. I don't know anything about handicap school. It's an unknown world for me. Colombus and Gama must have went into the unknown world with 4 hopes and 6 fears.
Hope
1. I will be able to see a clearer future.
2. I will be able to live my own life.
3. The facilities and the system seems to be very good.
4. I will be able to make handicapped friends.
Fear
1. I will be less like a human.
2. I don't know if I'll be able to live with other people.
3. Saying goodbye to me high school friends.
4. How the people(society) will look at me (because of the image of handicap school).
5. Boys.
6. A change within the family.
I wonder if my little sister will remember me, even if I go away and stay in the dorm. And my brother...will he at least sometimes think about me? (This seems like I'm gonna go commit suicide or something).
S-chan has been living alone since freshman year, because her house is far and can't commute to school. The reason may be different from me, but I can understand her lonliness.
A big fly is buzzing by the the window. Flies in the winter need to be killed. But when I thought about them giving birth to many children in the summer, I couldn't kill it, feeling the importance of "life."
I was looking at the new classroom building from the window. I became emotional as I thought to myself "Aww this is Higashikou."
When I looked up at the sky, there was a white moon.
"You didn't choose to be sick. There are many things you can do, even if you are handicapped. If you were a person who didn't have the power to think, you wouldn't have been able to feel the kindness, and the warmth that people have, which you first realized after getting sick," says mom.
S-chan and I talked in the sunshine by the lakeside, listening to the birds singing.
"Aya-chan, you're one strange girl. You say, 'The sky is beautiful, it's so blue,' and is easily amazed. Your heart must be very pure," says S-chan.
I asked her, "Is there anyone that lets you be yourself when you're with them?"
"Hmm maybe my little sister or brother, because I can be arrogant. But I can be myself the most when I'm alone."
S-chan chose to live on her own. Aya is torn away from her family.
This is a big difference...
There is a girl in Biology Cub with braids who love mice. I walked with her to the library. I walked all on my own! I was very slow...but she walked with me adjusting her speed to my pace. She has 44 mice at home. She told me about the first time she got a mouse.
"Her name was Nana. She was a girl. She died from breast cancer. A mouse becomes
like a human when they get sick, and then die. It's very sad, seeing an animal die."
I don't know anything about her. I could ask the upperclassmen or the teacers, but I don't intend on asking them, because I want to get to know more about her through her stories.
I was able to talk to her again.
People call her Sa-chan.
Her family consists of her father, mother, younger sister, and the 44 mice. In her own yard, there is a graveyard for her mice and she puts grasses on their graves.
In French, the forget-me-not is translated as a mouse. Sa-chan told me that this was because the forget-me-not looks like a mouse.
"I (she uses Boku when she talks, even though she is a girl) think that when someone dies, they have died instead of me. You(Aya) have a bad leg. So, I think that I need to live my life earnestly for you."
"I believe that people have special power (I just nodd and listen to her). To an amoeba, we are people with special powers, so for a blind person, aren't people who are able to see, people with supernatural powers?"
Sa-chan doesn't toil. I love her! But neither Sa-chan nor Aya will be in Higashikou next year.
In English grammar class, K-chan cried saying she was disappointed. (She had gotten a low grade on her test).
The teacher became franctic and said, "Don't cry! If you're gonna cry, you should have tried harder in the first place."
It was scary. Thinking that I would never get in trouble like that no matter how bad my grade would be, made me sad.
I was telling Sa-chan about the time when my body became warm from doing sports.
"Playing push-and-shove is the best!"
"Even in soccer and basketball, you don't need to touch the ball, all you need to do is run."
I was a little embarassed when I rambled on about the things I cannot do anymore.
I watched the movie, "The Lily in the Field" on tv.
I believe in God. Thinking that God is probably testing me through these hardships, made me feel alot better. Somehow, I do not want to forget this feeling.
It's almost New Years. Many people helped and cared for me this year. It seems like next year is going to be a tough year... fighting against myself. This is because the Aya right now cannot admit that she is a handicap. I don't want to. It's scary. But I can't keep running away! If I go to handicap school...
It scares me to think about attending the handicap school. It may be true that it would be a great place for a handicap person like me, but I want to stay in Higashikou.
I want to study with everyone.
I want to learn about many things and become a big person.
I don't want to think about my healthy classmates leaving me behind.
My mother sometimes talks about the handicap school.
Aya is capable of doing things on her own even though it may take alot of time.
She told me how I can change from a person being helped, to a person giving help.
I am on the cliff of making a huge decision and that time is coming soon.
Revolution
I wanted to transfer schools by making the decision all on my own.
I have been telling myself that I would put an end to it by the third semester.
Mr. N, until today I have respected you and trusted you. It disgusts me how, he can just put an end to it like this.
He could have just told me directly, "Go to the handicap school, because this school can't take care of you any longer," instead of telling my mom, "It is taking her longer to get from class to class."
If he would just tell me straight forward, then it would be much easier for me to make my decision.
Stop staring at me!! Gosh this is so irritating.
He asked me, "Has your mother told you anything yet?"
Why do you have to hint everything! Just tell me!
Although my life is a continuation of hardships everyday, why couldn't you listen to what I had to say, so that I can leave this school feeling a little better.
If you would have let me talked, I could have easily said I will be transfering schools from junior year...
I was planning to go to the handicap school from April but...
I wanted to leave this school with confidence but I can't even do that now.
I can't leave feeling like this....
I talked to S-chan.
"At the handicap school you'll no longer be special, so you won't have to feel as distressed as you used to. But... if you have the desire to do things quickly, you can do it, so why don't you put some effort into it?"
I felt a sharp knife go through me.
Our friendship stays strong because of her 99% kindness and 1% strictness, so I didn't cry.
My emotions become numb when I'm in a great shock.
S-chan taught me to "think."
I was re-born.
Although I am physically handicapped, I thought my intelligence were the same as any healthy person.
Missing a step while climbing the stairs and falling all the way down...that's what it feels like.
My friends and teachers are all healthy. This truth makes me sad, but there is nothing I can do about this difference.
I am going to leave Higashikou and I will live "alone" carrying this heavy package called handicap.
I at least needed 1 litre of tears to make this decision and I will need more in the future.
I don't want to cry anymore.
Losing makes me frustrated.
If you feel frustrated, do something about it!
I can't continue to lose.
My first visit to the doctors' after New Years.
I was a little relieved after talking with Dr. Yamamoto.
Enthusiasm stirred up inside me.
My mother quickly talks about transferring to the handicap school.
My doctor said she would ask the board of education.
I started to get my hopes up, but even that was easily popped like a bubble.
I suddenly remembered myself being very rebeliious these past few days.
You(as in myself) have been relying too much on people.
I just realized this.
You have been taking advantage of the people around you.
That's why your friends got tired. It's too late to realize now.
We ate out at "Asakuma" (restaurant), which we haven't gone to in a while. My mother told my siblings about me transferring to the handicap school. I became irritated and said, "They already know, so don't talk about it!"
"It's true that Aya, you're the one transferring, but its not just about you. It's important for all of us to think, help, and cheer up one another, in order to solve family problems. This connection is very important," my mother said.
It's better to be naked once. I started to think that there is no need to feel the excitement.
Hamburger steak was really good. I ate icecreamm, which was for dessert in a second.
W-kun, O-kun, D-kun, thank you for always saying "hi" to me. It really made me happy.
M-kun thank you for carrying my bag.
I was finally able to say "Hi!" to H-kun...
This year was very long.
I really enjoyed this year with everyone. I'm finally ready.
Goodbye and take care...
Organizing My Feelings
The class distribution for the junior class was announced.
My name is no longer there.
I was able to make a decision, but it still makes me sad.
Only if I could just be healthy...
Get over it already! How long are you going to stay like that!?
You have to be able to have confidence that you yourself CAN overcome this illness!
I can't write as well anymore...is this a sign that the illness is getting worse?
It's okay if you fall.
You can just get up again.
Why don't you look up at the sky, while you're down there.
The blue sky spreads across above you.
Can you see it smiling at you?
You are alive.
I cried in front of my friends.
It made me very sad when my club teacher asked me, "Are you quitting school?"
Does it make you feel good to be crying? Not only does it make the people around you feel bad, but doesn't it make you feel empty?
Then stop crying! You're cuter when you smile.
And if you have something to say, just say it before you start crying!
Right now I feel worthless.
I'm gonna skip shower and go to sleep.
Tomorrow, I'm going to the handicap school for an interview.
Make the decision and don't cry anymore.
I continue to hope and pray to become someone great.
Handicap school...this name has a dark image...
Why can't it have a different name?
There may be nursing help inside a school, but there are no nursing society...
Conference with my teacher.
"I think that you could continue your studies at Higashikou with this small degree of handicap.... I wonder if something can be done if you don't have trouble with actually taking the classes. Are you really satisfied? Because the average of the academic ability at a handicap school is pretty low."
I cried inside myself, "I don't wanna hear it anymore! I don't want any sympathy!"
I actually had a slight hope when Dr. Yamamoto called the Board of Education. But their answer was that they have left the decisions up to the principal.
My mother said, "We were told that Higashikou cannot take care of her any longer, so there's nothing we can do about it. Coming to this decision was very difficult for Aya, but I want her to have hope and start a new life. Aya herself has already made the decision. Please carry on with this decision that we have made."
Honestly I still had a connection with Higashikou, but listening word for word, to what my mother was saying, my feelings became one with my mother.
As long as she is my support, I will be able to go on.
God, I will listen to my mother. I felt a deep love in her action. I'm going to become a better and stronger person.
On the way home, I stopped by Emi-chan's house. I had called before I went, so my aunt had great food ready for me, and when I got there, everyone was waiting for me.
I ate until I was full, and I was so sleepy I couldn't even think about studying.
I was planning to do my best on my last final exam, but so many things were happening that I couldn't concentrate.
I couldn't help but to think about the "flowering quince" inside the classroom...the color is really pretty, but why was it given such a name?
Ms.Motoko said,
"Whether you choose to go to handicap school or stay at Higashikou, the ultimate decision lies in your hands. That's what it means to live."
But I thought to myself,
"I have no choice, but to go to handicap school. I wanna stay in Higashikou, but the school won't let me, because they say I can't keep up with the school life. So, it's not really my decision. You're just saying things in a nicer way."
Ms.Motoko continued, saying,
"1. Stay clean. Be very strict to yourself and don't let anyone think that handicap people are dirty.
2. Treasure your friends.
3. In the future, you should master typing.
4. Don't forget about Higashikou."
I didn't tell her, but I kept repeating what she said and how I felt, over and over again in my mind.
The people around me surround me, attacking me with the word "handicap." I forced myself to think that the handicap school was the only place for me, trying to calm myself, and made the decision to transfer.
I looked back a couple months since the path of handicap school came about.
Emotionally, I had made the decision, but I realized that nothing was really organized in my mind. That's why my emotions were always so unstable.
I read the Bible. I accepted Jesus' words and calmly thought to myself.... I'm sorry God, I still lack faith. It's very difficult to become a devout Christian.
Alright, I will put my feet firmly on the ground and think rationally.
1. Allows people to see that there are people like me through our daily school life. (Gain the kindness to help each other)
2. Having many complex by comparing my handicap self with the normal healthy people, becomes a power for me to try harder.
3. I can learn alot from my teachers and friends.
1. I cannot keep up with the class schedule.
2. I have the habit of relying on my friends and teachers.
3. I only hang out with the same group of friends and cannot join other larger groups.(My abilities has limitations).
4. I become a burden to people because I cannot help during cleaning time.
This is just my image.
1. I can live independently.
2. Become less of a burden to the people around me.
3. I can think about my future.
4. Gain skills needed in life.
5. Between the handicapped students, we will be able to understand each other.
1. Start to use the term "handicap" as an excuse.
2. Have less opportunities to interact with my healthy friends.
3. My learning speed will slow down.
The Farewell
4 more days until the closing ceremony.
It seems like they are folding 1000 cranes for me (This is just my guess).
I will always keep it in my heart that I-san and G-san were folding those cranes for me, so that I will not forget even if we have to say goodbye.
It makes me happy that they are wishing for my happiness...but I wanted them to say, "Aya-chan, please don't go!"
My heart is full of hatred to my friends who didn't say that to me and to myself, for not trying harder so that people would say that to me.
But...to keep my promise with Mrs. Motoko (which is to not think badly of my friends), I didn't say anything.
When I told my mom, she started singing, "Forget about the past. If you keep looking back, you won't be able to move forward. Walk three steps forward, then two steps back.Life is～"
I started to laugh.
A friend gave me a cycad fruit. It's color is orange.
I love this color...it's such a really warm color.
I talked with Mrs. Motoko for the last time.
She listened to all my complaints.
"Don't be so harsh on yourself. Life isn't just about studying and school. What can you do if you're thrown into society when you only have academic skills? Studying was merely an escape route for your. You've avoided carrying your own bag, and washing dishes and only concentrated on studying... am I right? That's why your view of life is so narrow. You need to create a revolution. You should be happy that you were at least able to go to a normal school for a year. At the handicap school, there are children who have lived in hospitals all their life. Compared to them, you've been hit with the harshness of society, so you know not to always rely on people. For a 16 year old, you have an immature side and a mature side. You're an unbalanced person. This is because you haven't experienced enough of life for a 16 year old. It's not too late yet, so don't give up. Go and gain lots of things at handicap school, that you couldn't gain at Higashikou. You can even cause mischief. You can do it! But, it would have been better for Higashikou if you would have stayed."
I was really thankful to be able to meet such a great teacher. I'm going to tell her "goodbye" with a big smile.
When exams are over, there's no school until the closing ceremony.
My parents planned a small party for my friends, and all the people who helped and supported me this year.
We talked, played poker, and played gomoku narabe.
S-chan gave me a coffee cup, Y-ko-chan gave me a music box, and A-ko-chan gave me a dry flower.
My mom each gave us a fountain pen saying, "Goodluck with your studies and I would be happy if you would sometimes remember Aya when you look at this pen."
We all became silent. When I realized that the time for "goodbye" had finally come, my tears started to flow, but I tried hard to keep it from falling. I had promised myself to not say goodbye in tears.
I had a really fun time, but once everyone left, I became lonely and cried like a baby.
Reflecting and Regretting
The time has finally come!
It’s March 22. The closing ceremony breezed by and I went inside the classroom. Everyone wrote me farewell messages on a paper.
I wanted to shout saying, “Thank you for always helping me! I will never forget you all. I’m going to be transferring to a new school, but I will try my best. I hope that you all won’t forget me, Aya the handicapped girl,”….but I couldn’t stop crying.
S-chan, Y-ko-chan…
“It’s a hassle sometimes trying to help Aya all the time.” My teacher told me what my friends had said one day.
I don’t know why I never realized it. I was always only focused on myself. It’s all my fault that I have made everyone feel this way.
Aah don’t say anything anymore! I’ve already reflected on my wrong-doings enough…
During the Star Festival, I wrote “I want to be a normal girl” and my sister got mad at me and asked me, “What makes you so different from a normal girl?”
I wanted to fight back saying, “What’s so wrong about writing the truth?”
I realized that it’s very difficult to admit that you are handicapped, even though you know that you are.
Shopping
My mom was making phone calls to different places and suddenly shouted from downstairs, “Let’s take Aya to Yuni ( a shopping center). They said they have a wheelchair so Aya, you can go too!”
It was during spring break and we were all at home. After taking forever for me to get ready, they put me in the car and off we went. We arrived at Yuni in 15 minutes.
With my favorite pochette hanging from my neck, I looked around the apparel section with my sister pushing the wheelchair from the back.
Everything looked interesting to me.
There was a pretty skirt and I wanted to wear it.
Since I always crawl, wearing a skirt would hurt my knee so I have always worn pants.
Wearing a skirt was a dream for me.
I grabbed some courage and pointed to the skirt.
My mom said, “It would be nice if you had one. It’s going to get warmer soon,” and bought me the skirt.
I was really happy. If I wore a white laced blouse with this flower printed skirt, and stood up straight and tall, I wonder if everyone would tell me I look cute. Just once…I would like to be told that.
We bought a lot of underwear, socks, and towels for my new life in the dorm.
Suddenly, I became sad. I’m going to the dorm in a few days and live away from my family. I had promised myself not to cry anymore, but I just can’t help it. Be strong. Be a strong person who can overcome anything.
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